That Twenty Twelfth

And so when the clock ticks later, bye bye 2012.

I personally called 2012 my mourning year. It starts good.. especially the gateaway to Cameron Highland with him and friends. Got to know new friends and all that. But soon to be wrecked down as soon as I found out whats been happening while I wasn’t in the same room. Or even taking a glance at the phone, or not even caring to check the messages or email. Trust. A word played so easily.

I then recalled my tuition teacher once said; “Enjoy life pretty little girl. Coz life wouldn’t stay as crazy as you thought once it started.” I never gotta know what it meant.

Until this year.

And grandpa once said; “Life starts… when u learnt to trust but to be betrayed instead; When u be loyal but someone dishonesty tear you down. When you put in everything regardless your own feelings but to be ignored and unappreciated, and especially when you lost someone you dearly love.”

I was scared. Or simply in denial of what he said. But towards the end of this year.. I realised he’d been reminding me the harshest truth of life.

And yes, my life has just begun!

It was April, for the first time, I chase a person. Bought a ticket. Finds out truth. Break down and cried. Staying intact. Being left alone for a month contactless. Then, Trying to forget. Forgiving. Moving on.. but at the same time still putting high hopes that things would change, that feelings would still be the same, that butterfly will still fly around in the stomach.

With all that happening and striving hard to gain the broken trust alive again..

Then, It was May, I was awarded a scholarship after 2years of difficulty without allowance, except the money given from my parents. Which I believed you all may know how much that meant for a student like me.

October came, my beloved grandpa passed away. Again, I was left alone. In the most extreme time that I needed a person to hear me out; but.. my housemate packed and ready to move out. I gathered my strength. With all the broken pieces and still standing strong smiling at what passes my world.

Then, December came, how this year flies away so fast. So so fast. The trip to Port Dickson marked the 3rd yr in my current relationship.

Grandpa’s words rings by my ears.. “You never know how strong you are until you’ve been hurt.”

Well then there, I hope this mourning year pass away and will never come back! I wish for a happy new year.

A change.

A new beginning!!

Ignorance is a Bliss

Verbal Abuse

This type of abuse isn’t physically seen on the outer skin, but bear in mind.. whats hidden hurts a deeper level than whats shown. Someone may have a cheerful, happy face while their hearts bruised, swells, bleeds, cuts, and every other words thrown thereafter feels like sprinkling salts on the torn wounds.

But I think, the real question should be.. Why would someone starts this “verbal abuse” especially in a couple relationship?

On top of all, I think.. frustration and anger from a disrespectful communication or simply lack of it. When a couple is used to talking their daily life and suddenly stop. Then, reaching the breaking point; you tend to say hurtful or belittling comments and often raising your voice.

Its normal, to be mad I mean. People gets mad. But what isn’t normal is judging the person having a psychological disorder. Bipolar and such. That is a total absurd! What kind of  expertise you have to call someone so?

According to Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, explains, “abuse victims don’t realise that the problem IS NOT theirs: it’s in the abuser’s need to dominate and control. She thinks he’s misunderstood her. She doesn’t realise that he’s not looking for understanding, he’s establishing his power over her.”

Often this type of person comes from a very strict family where the voice as a kid isn’t heard, and even when they grew up, they were just belittled as no importance in the family. Their says don’t matter. So, they lookout for someone who they could overpowered and say things according to what they think, without acknowledging whats right or whats wrong as they have never been given a choice.

What can you do?

I took advised from the expert and share it here with ya all..

• Respond with: “Don’t talk to me like that” or just ignore their existence.
• Listen to your own feelings and believe them, don’t believe your abuser when they call you crazy or proves you’re wrong. Because, a fool may not know the truth til they see it themselves. So, basically, no point of arguing.
• Get support through friends. Talk to others.
• Go to a therapist. They knew how to consults you better than the abuser.
• Seek information. You arent alone, someonelse is like you too. You never know if you would make friends and ends up with somebody who understands you better and you could stand up together.

“You know why he treats you the way he does? Because you throw yourself on the ground and act like a rug that he can wipe his feet on.”

The Mayans were wrong

🙂

Respect!

“I can be hurt, only by people I respect.” – Mary Balogh, Then comes seduction)

“Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” ― Laurence Sterne

“Sounds naive respecting someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.”  ― Toba Beta, Master of Stupidity

“Respect is a two-way street, if you want to get it, you’ve got to give it.” ― R. G. Risch

“I have found that there are two ways of dealing with men. Either you treat them with respect, or you kill them. Anything in between merely breeds resentment and the desire for revenge.” (especially shown once they cheated on you-but no worries, karma is a bitch)

Long Distance Relationship

“Distance makes the heart grows fonder..” they say..

I say, Depends.

Not if the partner does not shows effort to communicate. Because, in the distance, the only way to make sure that you both are not far apart and still loving and remembering each other is by constantly communicating. Comes what may, but you will still be checking up on each other. As we aren’t living in the ice age anymore.

There’s facebook, there’s email, there’s whatsapp, there’s viber, there’s skype, there’s phone; sms or calling is just 1 click away. So, whats stopping you? Unless, for one reason: YOU DONT FEEL THE URGE THAT YOU HAVE TO. or simply; YOU DONT WANT TO.

Action speaks louder than words! Abide by the time zone differences, you would stays awake til late, just to make sure your timing suits each other. You wait from the day your other half’s flight flew and gone away to their destination. Then, You wait for the announcement of their arrival.

You wait for their call.

Atleast, an sms.

You wait another day, for the other half to text you with his or her new number. You wait for a facebook text. You wait for an email. You wait for Skype video call. You wait.. and You wait.

Wait.

Wait….

And still waiting…

BUT, on the other hand, the person does NOT makes an effort to do so. You will receives none. Leaving you feeling frustrated. Mad and ignored. Left out. Unwanted. Not needed. Being taken for granted. And that You waiting.. unappreciated!

The gap of not communicating will succumbs under the excuses and millions reasons. A proverb said, “when there’s a will, there’s always a way.” In this case, that person certainly do not want to keep contacting you frequently. Just accept the fact that, the person didnt even care about you waiting, dont even see the needs to spend atleast 2hrs of their 24hrs with whatever-stands-by-their-side at that distance further from you. Clearly highlighting; “If you want to, theres a million ways to do. If you don’t want it at all, theres a gazillion reasons to not.”

Well again, Distance; It does not, makes the heart grows fonder. It encourages hatredness. Negativity. Less and less of romance. Deduced feeling of love. Letting bygones be bygones.  Unable to talk about what angered you because of the lack of communication.

All in all, you ends with a wounded heart, scarred and dead.

A month off from uni..

It’s 1 month vacation!!

Yes it is!! a whole month of holiday~~~ Back to where I belong? I guess.

But I seriously dont know why, I always sneeze every time I’m back here. My sinus seems to take control  over me. Achoo here. Achoo there. Red nose in this very sunny weather. Urgh.

Well, landed here yesterday..

Still the same old, same old… town.

Back to Reality!!

When it hurts..

The world seemed to pause, listening to the broken pieces of your heart crashes on the floor. Like a beggar, waiting  for that one hand who helps willingly. A smile that brought peace to the heart.

“Oooh.. Cant nobody do it like you..” – Tamia(I’m officially missing you)

Bitch Bureaucracy

You know.. i’m talking about those self -centered girls, annoyingly thinking everything runs under their commands. yes, those bitch!

Everywhere  you go actually, there will always be that one bitch, in a different form, more or less retard, almost similar devilish ugly look.

Let me start with this first ever bitch I knew when I was a kid, back in my home country, Brunei. She loves to gossip about others infront of me, thank God that I made no further comment. Because sooner after that I found out she was bitching about me too. Like a storm, I hurried to where she was with her group and slapped her infront of dozens of people. She was the first bitch I slapped.

Then, I moved school.. met another one, who loves to follow whatever I have, what I wore, what I eat, even to the extent of talking to the guy I admired. Well, I pretended cool about it, but took a sweet revenge by snatching away her boyfriend. Lol. I think that time, I was being the bitch. Oh well, serves her right!

I went to United Kingdom after that, hoping to find peace and wanting to grow up without these bitches problem. But nah… you just cant run from it! They are dangerous creature that multiplies themselves asexually like amoeba. Ya, somehow.. this new kind of bitch loves to show off about her branded stuffs(although she then be broke for the rest of the month), annoyingly showing off how many boyfriends she slept with, admitting shes good in almost everything and foremost, never wanna hear anything about someonelses better than her!

Oh my.. she made me crazy.

Thank god i’m now half-a-world away from her, but here in Malaysia theres another type of bitch who thinks nobody is prettier than her. Always made critics on what others wear, that her fashion is the only acceptable in uni, thinking shes fair(she is brown and looking skinny like a woman on drug), always mocking others but having this two-face in which she made a cheerful smiles hiding her retardness. At times, I ignored her. Sometimes, put lotssa comments on her facebook statuses thats more to an attention seeker state of sentence. But shes just too blonde to understand literally.

Anyhow, beware people, these bitches are everywhere. Run away from them. Or they might eat up your head!